Beware the Sparrow
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When an old rival of the Joker from Batman's Golden Age reappears in Gotham, the Ace of Knaves is once again forced to prove himself the superior criminal to the Sparrow, who is determined to make the Joker work for her at any costs. Thanks to kari8888 for the suggestion and for translating the comic - I eventually found it in "The Greatest Joker Stories Ever Told" anthology! XD
1. Chapter 1

**Beware the Sparrow**

"I want a nice, clean game, everyone!" shouted Dr. Leland, head of Arkham Asylum, as she stood with a football in her hands and a whistle around her neck, studying the less than enthusiastic inmates gathered on the playing field in front of her.

"Dr. Leland, I must protest - this is form of cruel and unusual punishment," spoke up Jervis Tetch.

"Yes, quite," agreed Jonathan Crane. "Mandatory sporting events are unconstitutional – they require skills that some of us do not possess, like speed and agility and athleticism…"

"Look, I don't have a choice – this has been mandated from above," interrupted Dr. Leland. "The new mayor's some kinda health nut, and he believes that fresh air and exercise can cure anything."

"Indeed? And in what prestigious medical school did he formulate this brilliant hypothesis?" asked Crane, sarcastically.

"Are you implying that politicians should consult specialists before they make their policies?" asked Tetch. "Careful, Jonathan – that's very close to nonsense."

"Yes, I know it's crazy to live in a world where uninformed idiots make decisions that affect us all, but that's the world we live in," sighed Dr. Leland. "And I'm interested in keeping my job in it, so we're all just going to go along with it. Ok?"

She looked around. "Speaking of crazy, where's the Joker? And Harley Quinn?"

"I'll see if I can find them," volunteered Crane, eager for any excuse to get out of the game, however temporarily. He hurried off the field and back into Arkham Asylum, entering his cell and looking around desperately for something he could make a bomb out of.

"Dammit, where _are _those emergency explosives?" he muttered to himself, hunting under the bed. "This is exactly the sort of thing I keep them around for!"

He sighed in frustration, then snapped his fingers. "The janitor's closet will have some chemicals with which I can improvise a rudimentary bomb!" he exclaimed, racing out of his cell. He threw open the door to the closet, froze, and then let out a shriek of horror that was heard all the way outside.

"What the hell?!" demanded Dr. Leland, racing inside with the rest of the inmates following her.

"Geez, Johnny, learn to knock!" snapped the Joker, hastily pulling up his pants as Harley hurried to button up her top, blushing. "Not all of us are pathetic losers who don't need any private time, y'know!"

"Sorry you had to see that, Johnny," said Harley, blushing bright red. "I'm so embarrassed! But me and Mr. J were hiding in here to get outta the football game, and then I tripped over a broom in the dark and accidentally elbowed him in the chin, so he punched me in the face, and then one thing led to another, and…"

"Never mind, Harley, just get outside!" snapped Dr. Leland. "I'm not letting anyone get outta this game for any reason! If I make exceptions for one of you, I'll just have to make exceptions for all of you!"

"Jonathan, are you all right?" asked Tetch, studying his friend who looked pale and shivering.

"No, I am not!" he gasped. "Good God, it was…horrific! The most terrifying thing I've ever seen!"

"C'mon, Johnny, I'm big but I wouldn't call me terrifying!" chuckled Joker, slapping him on the back. "Though maybe it's scary in comparison to how small yours is, huh?"

"Oh, do be quiet, Joker!" snapped Crane. "Have you no shame?"

"Nope," replied Joker. "Or I wouldn't be having a quickie with my girlfriend in a janitor's closet!"

"Sometimes I wonder if that man's mind is like perpetually falling down a rabbit hole and hitting everything on the way down," commented Tetch, as they followed Joker back to the football field.

"God knows," retorted Crane. "I don't think there's any form of psychoanalysis on earth that can make sense of him. Not that I really have any faith in the psychoanalytical process, despite having taught it. Honestly, it sometimes seems like the concepts of psychology were just invented by lunatics. Take the Oedipus complex, for example. It's utterly preposterous to presume that all children want to sleep with their mother and murder their father. Well, admittedly murdering my father might have been justified, but I would never in a million years have wanted to sleep with my mother. I suspect my father only did it once. Hideous woman."

"Guess you get your looks from your mother, huh, Craney?" chuckled Joker. "Boy, your father must have been disappointed. Goes through all that effort of doing an ugly dame, and it results in you. Surprised he didn't slit his wrists, really. Still, guess he got more action than you ever have. You haven't even done an ugly dame, have you?"

"I repeat, do be quiet, Joker," snapped Crane. "It's bad enough that I have to suffer this ridiculous sporting event – I don't want to put up with your sniping comments as well."

"Call it payback for walking in on me and Harley's playtime," chuckled Joker. "Speaking of playtime, let's play ball!" he said, grabbing the football from Dr. Leland and throwing it at Crane. "See if you can get it to the end zone and score, not that you've ever done that before!" he laughed.

"I want the guys on one side, and the girls on the other," said Dr. Leland, gesturing to opposite ends of the field.

"So which side does that put Johnny on?" chuckled Joker. "Not that he ain't already in the Cranezone."

"What on earth is the Cranezone?" demanded Crane.

"It's that thing Harley's put you in," retorted Joker. "Like the Friendzone, only lamer. You've been Cranezoned!"

Crane was about to throw the ball at Joker's head, but he was interrupted, which was probably a good thing, since his throwing skills were not particularly impressive.

The interruption was a huge explosion which took out most of the wall surrounding Arkham. As the smoke gradually cleared, a figure emerged through the gap in the wall onto the playing field, a figure that was unfamiliar to most of the people present.

She was a beautiful blonde woman, buxom and glamorously dressed in a long, strapless, low-back, flowing red gown with a long slit up the leg, stiletto red high heels, and a red fur cape around her neck. She wore a red flower in her pinned-up hair and held a cigarette holder in elbow-length, red gloved hands, which she put to her lips, inhaling deeply and exhaling a long, flowing cloud of smoke.

"Hello, J-man," she murmured, smiling smugly at the Joker. "It's been too long."

"Aw, no," muttered Joker. "Not you again."

"Mr. J? Who's this?" asked Harley, instantly jealous.

"I think we're all wondering that," said Dr. Leland. "You're not a Gotham regular, are you?"

"No, it's been a long time," murmured the woman. "But today the Sparrow's back in town."


	2. Chapter 2

"The Sparrow?" repeated Dr. Leland. "Are you some sort of spin-off from the Penguin with the whole bird thing? Sorry to disappoint you, but he's in Blackgate, not here."

"I'm not interested in the Penguin," Sparrow retorted. "He's not even in my league. I'm interested in the Joker. He and I go way back."

"Yeah, how ya doing, toots – it's been an age!" said Joker, forcing a smile. "And you haven't aged a day! Still looking foxy as ever! How much did all that plastic surgery set you back?"

She grinned, approaching him and blowing a cloud of smoke into his face. Then she grabbed his hand, pressing it into her bosom. "You can feel how real they are, if you wanna," she murmured. "I'm a genuine kinda gal, J. You know that."

"I know nothing of the kind," snapped Joker, wrenching his hand away. "The last time we met, you were all about the lies and deceit and backstabbing…"

"It was just business, J – you know how it is," she replied, puffing on her cigarette. "Anyway, you shouldn't be sore just because you lost."

"I didn't lose!" snapped Joker. "And you lost too – Batsy captured us both together!"

"Yeah, but I busted outta the clink while you keep being brought back to this dump," retorted Sparrow.

"I'll thank you not to talk about my asylum like that," snapped Dr. Leland. "And where the hell are the guards?!" she demanded, looking around. "Someone just blows a hole in the wall and nobody comes running?! Has our security really become as terrible as this?!"

"No, I took care of the guards," murmured the Sparrow, taking another drag on her cigarette. "My men are holding the asylum hostage, and we're not leaving without the Joker."

"And what if I don't wanna go anywhere with a dame like you, toots?" snapped Joker.

"Tough," retorted Sparrow, blowing out another puff of smoke. "You're going to do what I want, and what I say. Just like everyone does."

She snapped her fingers. "I need an ashtray here!" she shouted. Nobody responded to the shout, and the Sparrow cast her cool, blue eyes along the inmates. "I said I need an ashtray here," she murmured, coldly. She snapped her fingers again. "You, with the hat! Come over here!"

Tetch tentatively approached her. "Take off the hat," she said, authoritatively. He obeyed. "Now turn it over," she commanded. He obeyed again, and she gently tapped the ash from her cigarette into it. "Now get outta my sight," she finished.

"Yes, ma'am," murmured Tetch, hurrying off.

Sparrow smiled at everyone's surprise. "See? Everyone does what I say," she murmured, blowing out another puff of smoke.

Joker snorted. "Well, it don't take a lot to intimidate the Hat Guy – he's used to dealing with children, after all."

"Well, admittedly some people need a little more persuasion," murmured Sparrow, grinning. She pulled out a gun. "This persuasive enough for you, J?" she asked, pointing it at him.

"…where were you keeping that?" asked Joker, slowly.

"You ain't taking Mr. J!" snapped Harley, throwing herself in front of him and glaring at Sparrow. "I ain't comfortable with your intentions toward him!"

Sparrow smiled coldly at Harley. "My intentions toward him, little girl?" she whispered, blowing a cloud of smoke into her face. "My intentions toward him are the same as they were when we first met. I want him to work for me."

"Mr. J don't work for no one," snapped Harley, disliking this woman more with each passing moment. "So why don't you take your gun and your cigarette and your…boobs outta here, Jessica Rabbit?"

"Harley, please, I can speak for myself," said Joker, shoving Harley out of the way to face off against Sparrow. "What she said," he snapped.

Sparrow grinned. "Well, ok, J, if you're sure," she murmured. "But I'm the kinda gal who don't take no for an answer, as you well know."

She puffed another cloud of smoke out. "If you change your mind, you can find me here," she said, reaching into her bosom and pulling out a card, which she slipped into his breast pocket. "And I'll be seeing you soon, I'm sure."

She winked at him. "Bye bye, little girl," she said, smiling at Harley as she turned away. "Oh, I'll be calling my boys off in thirty seconds, so you have until then to get outta here," she said, striding off.

"Look everyone, I know it's tempting to break out rather than play some football and go quietly back to your cells, but just think for a moment which will make you feel better in the end…" began Dr. Leland.

But she was talking to herself, since the other inmates had already climbed out through the hole in the wall and raced off. "Even _I _would choose that option," she sighed, tossing the ball over her shoulder and following the inmates out to freedom.

…

"So…this Sparrow woman…" began Harley, when she and the Joker were safely ensconced back in their hideout.

"I don't wanna talk about her, Harley," growled Joker, his arms folded across his chest. He had been moody and sullen since their escape, mostly because he was remembering the last time he had encountered the Sparrow.

She had led an unprecedentedly successful crime spree in Gotham, a spree that had outsmarted even Batman. The papers had dubbed her the 'Cleverest Criminal in Gotham,' which had understandably riled the Joker. He had determined to prove himself the superior criminal, but before he could put his plan into action, the Sparrow had sent an envoy offering him a job working for her. And to add insult to injury, when he had flatly refused, she had framed him for a lame crime – robbing a laundry and stealing some shirts - that had made him a laughing stock throughout the city.

Never one to take defeat lying down, the Joker quickly planned another daring, clever scheme to show the world who the real master criminal was, which unfortunately Batman had foiled. Before he could drag him back to Arkham, the Joker had been rescued by the Sparrow, who again repeated her offer of working for her. And when the Joker had again refused, she had taken him to a sawmill and tied him onto the moving saw. He was rescued this time by Batman, which had humiliated him even more – the Joker didn't consider himself a man in need of rescue, but in the space of twenty-four hours he had been rescued by a woman and his nemesis. Burning for revenge for this indignity, he had set up a scheme to entrap the Sparrow, and had nearly got away with it too, if not for that meddling Bat, who had captured them both and taken the Joker to Arkham, and the Sparrow to Blackgate. The Joker hadn't seen her from that day to this, and needless to say, it was not a reunion he had been looking forward to.

Harley was unaware of the Joker's history with the Sparrow, and that it was one of utter loathing and humiliation. And it was unlikely that any woman would take kindly to a gorgeous woman with a mysterious history blatantly flirting with her boyfriend. So her nagging insecurity was not unfounded, but unfortunately, the Joker did not take kindly to being interrogated by anyone. And rather than assert that he had absolutely no romantic interest in the Sparrow, the Joker flatly refused to talk about it, since the memory was still painful, which only increased Harley's paranoia.

Neither of them being reasonable individuals, Harley's constant questioning and Joker's determined silence resulted in a shouting match between the two, and then Harley started crying, Joker started yelling, Harley screamed back, and then he kicked her out, declaring that he never wanted to see her again.

"Yeah, good riddance, you ungrateful jerk!" shrieked Harley, standing up and rubbing her bottom where she had landed. "Go off with your gorgeous girlfriend! Who needs ya?!"

"Not me, you useless waste of space!" shouted Joker, throwing her bag after her. Harley ducked to avoid it hitting her in the face. "I'm happy to be rid of clinging, demanding, uppity dames! I'm a single man, and I don't need any kinda worthless women working for me or working for them! From now on, it's no women for the Joker! You hear me?! No women!"

"Bats will be happy to hear it!" shrieked Harley, as Joker slammed the door in her face. "Jerk," she muttered, turning and heading off into the streets of Gotham alone. She had only walked for about ten feet when she turned back, gazing longingly at the door. "I miss him already," she sighed, heading off into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

Poison Ivy opened the door to the frantic knocking and sobbing, knowing who it was before she even saw her best friend. "Harley," she said, forcing a smile. "Should I even bother to ask why the clown kicked you out?"

"Oh, Red!" sobbed Harley, throwing herself into her arms. "It's all over this time! Over for good! An old girlfriend of his has come back, and she's just gorgeous! And dominating and sassy and…she knows how to make guys do things for her! How is that even possible?! She's all glamorous and sexy and…and…smokey, Red! How am I supposed to compete with that?!"

Ivy managed to get her to calm down enough to tell her, in broken tones, what had happened at Arkham earlier. "Now Harley, you shouldn't jump to conclusions," she said, soothingly. "After all, I for one would find it hard to believe that any woman could have a romantic interest in the Joker. And even if something did go on between them ages ago, there's no reason to assume he wants her back now."

"But she wants him back, Red!" sobbed Harley. "You can tell – she wants him badly! And who can blame her?! And she can get guys to do things for her – she got Jervis to let her use his hat as an ashtray! So it'll be no problem for her to seduce Mr. J!"

"Well, he didn't seem too pleased with her advances, did he?" asked Ivy.

"He's just playing hard to get!" sobbed Harley. "That's what he does with me, so you can tell he's really interested! There's no way he'll ever want me back when he has her!"

"Well, if you ask me, it's been coming for a long time," said Ivy. "C'mon, Harley, you're better off without him. He's a demented, abusive, psychotic maniac."

"Yeah, but he was _my _demented, abusive psychotic maniac!" sobbed Harley, burying her face in a tissue.

Ivy sighed, heading over to her computer. "Before you start panicking, let's just see what we can find out about this Sparrow," she murmured, doing a quick search.

She saw a picture and raised her eyebrows. "Wow, you weren't kidding! She's gorgeous!"

Harley sobbed again, collapsing on the sofa and crying into the cushions. "Turns out she and J had some kinda feud over being Gotham's cleverest criminal," said Ivy, scanning the headlines. "Says here since she left Gotham, she's been running several successful criminal empires in various other cities. In a way, she's a good role model – a woman getting to the top of a profession traditionally dominated by men…"

"You ain't ever said I was a good role model, Red!" sobbed Harley.

"That's because you're not, Harley," retorted Ivy. "The idea that any young girl would want to emulate you fills me with dread for the future, someone whose one and only dream is to be the Joker's wife."

"A dream which will never come true, thanks to that Sparrow bitch!" sobbed Harley. "And it ain't my only dream, Red – I also wanna have kids with him…"

"You should at least stick to attainable goals, Harley," sighed Ivy. "Anyway, this Sparrow seems like the kinda woman I should like and respect. I don't, of course, for your sake, and because I can't respect any woman who has any romantic interest in the Joker."

"Aw, thanks, Red," said Harley, managing a smile at her.

"You're welcome, Harley," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Now c'mon, cheer up, baby," she said, wiping her eyes. "You're just as sexy and attractive as that Sparrow woman."

"Do you really think so, Red?" asked Harley, hopefully.

"Sure," said Ivy. "I mean, there are differences, of course – she's a dominating, independent sort of gal and you're more…submissive and dependent…"

"Yeah," sighed Harley, forlornly. Then an idea struck her. "But maybe…maybe if I can be as sexy and glamorous as her, Mr. J will take me back!"

"No, Harley, you shouldn't change yourself to please any man…" began Ivy.

"It's a great idea, Red!" exclaimed Harley, excitedly. "And I'm sure I can do it! All I need is a long dress and a push-up bra and a flower for my hair…"

"You're not using one of my babies," said Ivy, firmly.

"Aw, c'mon, Red!" pleaded Harley. "For true love!"

"The Joker is not your true love, Harley," retorted Ivy. "This is a man who won't tell you about his past relationship with another woman, and can't even be bothered to reassure you that he has no interest in this other woman, and then kicks you out to pursue her instead. He's a mean, selfish, heartless creep, and I can't believe he has one woman after him, let alone two!"

Harley sniffed. "Ok, Red," she murmured. "Guess I'll just…stay here…with you then…crying all day and…crying myself to sleep every night. Guess I'll just mope around the house and tell you all about how much I miss Mr. J, and how happy we were together, and all the things we did together…"

"All right, I'll help you out!" snapped Ivy.

"Great!" exclaimed Harley, brightening instantly. "Let's go out shopping and find me a dress and heels! And a cape, although I think that's a really bizarre fashion accessory. Too much like Bats or Supey – you'd never catch me wearing one normally. But this is an emergency, and ain't I lucky to have such a great friend to call on in a crisis?"

She hugged Ivy and then skipped off, babbling to herself. "Just gotta figure out how to smoke a cigarette! Can't be too hard, right?"


	4. Chapter 4

"It's unlike you to get your own drinks, J. Where's Harley?" asked Two-Face, as Joker handed him a beer.

"Gone," retorted Joker. "Gone for good. Kicked the worthless little brat out this afternoon, and I ain't ever taking her back. I don't need her, after all, and all she is ever does is nag and cling. From now on, it's no women for the Joker. I'm swearing off them forever."

"Uh…great," said Two-Face, slightly uncomfortable. "This…doesn't have anything to do with why you asked me over here, right?"

"Of course it does, Harv," replied Joker. "Thought I'd celebrate my newfound freedom by sharing a beer with another guy. Because this is what life is about, two guys hanging out together, am I right?"

"Uh…sure, right," muttered Two-Face, glancing at the door.

"I mean, everyone knows the bond between two men is deeper than the bond between a man and a woman could ever be," continued Joker. "Men just get each other. Like me and Bats. I know he feels like I do – that ours is the most meaningful relationship we both have, or ever will have. He's reluctant to admit it, but he knows in his heart that's true."

"Uh huh, look, J, I'm not really into…relationships with men," said Two-Face, slowly. "Not that there's anything wrong with your choice of lifestyle, but it's just not for me. So if that's what you asked me over to talk to me about, I'm flattered, but really not interested."

Joker stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded.

"You…uh…weren't coming on to me?" asked Two-Face, slowly.

"Why would I be coming on to you?!" demanded Joker. "I don't swing that way, and even if I did, I think I could do better than a guy with half a face!"

"Screw you!" roared Two-Face. "Anyway, you were the one talking about how you were swearing off women forever! What was I supposed to think?!"

"Look, if I was gonna make a move on you, you'd know," retorted Joker. "I ain't exactly a subtle guy. I'd have opened the door not wearing any pants."

"I think it's that romantic charm that Harley is really gonna miss about you, J," said Two-Face, sarcastically.

"Yeah, she'd better," agreed Joker. "I hope she's in real pain right now, sobbing her heart out. That'll teach her to be a jealous, paranoid, insecure brat."

"Well, like you said, she's gone for good now," said Two-Face. "You won't have to deal with her anymore. Let some other guy handle that bundle of crazy."

"Yeah, that's all she is, Harv," agreed Joker. "A bundle of crazy."

He sipped from his beer bottle. "Still, she was…_my_ bundle of crazy," he muttered. "I drove her to that, y'know. It was all my doing. If you'd seen her before, boring, straightlaced little nerdy shrink, and look at her now – a little package of dynamite, all homicidal and hyperactive and...hot."

"Well, c'mon, J, you gotta admit, she could be quite the handful," said Two-Face.

"Yeah, there was that too," sighed Joker. "Especially her ass. Round and perky and you just wanna spank it through that skintight costume…"

"I meant…handful in the figurative sense," said Two-Face, slowly. "As in she was a lotta effort. Some other guy's problem now, though."

"You don't think she's moved on already, do you?" asked Joker.

"Are you jealous?" asked Two-Face, surprised.

"No, not jealous," he snapped. "Just…curious…in a possessive sort of way. Guy can be interested in his property without caring about it, can't he?"

"I…guess," said Two-Face, slowly. "If you don't mind my asking, what caused your split this time?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," muttered Joker. "Suffice it to say that Harley's a paranoid dame, and she's so pathetic that just because an attractive woman shows up at Arkham and starts flirting with me, she becomes all insecure! I tell ya, it's hard to be as handsome and charming as I am sometimes," he sighed. "You get all kinds of attention from gorgeous women, whether you want it or not."

"Well, why didn't you just tell Harley she had nothing to be jealous about?" asked Two-Face.

"I ain't gonna pander to her ridiculous paranoia!" snapped Joker. "She should just trust me! Anyway, I try not to reassure her about my feelings for her ever – keeps her on her toes and eager to please me. She'll do just about anything to hear me say 'I love you' so I gotta save those expressions of affection for when I need her to do things for me. I'm not just gonna throw it out casually, or because she's insecure. The only point of being in relationship is to use it to your advantage."

"Well, it's…good to know you know what love is," said Two-Face, slowly.

"Of course I do, Harvey!" snapped Joker. "It's…y'know when you're full of rage, and you just wanna kill something, and there's that pretty face, smiling trustingly up at you, gazing at you with those adoring blue eyes, and you think it would be so easy to break that face and strangle that smile but…you don't. That's love."

"Uh…huh," agreed Two-Face. "Well, frankly, I think you're both probably better off without each other."

He took a sip of beer. "Out of curiosity, who was this other attractive dame who showed up at Arkham?" he asked.

"It was me," said a voice from the doorway. They both looked up to see the Sparrow standing there, a knowing smirk on her face and holding her cigarette holder.

"Got bored waiting for you to call and just stopped by – hope you don't mind," she said, striding into the room. She snapped her fingers and a henchman came running into the room, hurrying to pull a chair out for her. She sat down opposite Joker and Two-Face and snapped her fingers again, and the henchman removed her cape, leaving her neck and shoulders bare. Then he held out an ashtray for her to tap her cigarette into.

"Now beat it," she said to the henchman, crossing her legs and puffing on her cigarette. "I wanna talk with the Joker alone. You can go too, half-face," she said, nodding at Two-Face.

"It's Two-Face, actually," growled Two-Face. "And you are?"

"I'm the Sparrow," she replied. "Gotham Cleverest Criminal."

Joker laughed humorlessly. "Oh, not this again, toots," he snapped. "Just give it a rest, would ya?"

"And what makes you think you're smarter than both me and J?" demanded Two-Face.

She leaned forward and blew a cloud of smoke in his face, smiling. "One, because I found this hideout on my own. Two, because I run eight criminal empires in Chicago, New York, Las Vegas, and parts of Mexico. Three, because I have better things to do with my time than dress up in a stupid costume and fight another freak in a stupid costume night after night. I've realized, which neither of you idiots have, that Gotham isn't the only city out there, and it certainly isn't the most profitable city out there for a real criminal. But then I guess neither of you really count as that."

Joker chuckled. "I gotta admire your balls, toots. Figuratively speaking, of course. At least, I hope it is. Did you used to be a guy? It would explain how you nearly beat me all those years ago."

"You nearly beat J?" asked Two-Face, grudging admiration in his voice.

"Mmm, I humiliated him completely too," murmured Sparrow, grinning. "I still think about it when I need something to get me really excited. The Joker tied up and at my mercy, heading into a circular saw…"

"Wow, you are one creepy dominatrix, toots," retorted Joker. "It ain't right for a dame to get off on a guy's pain and humiliation."

"Oh, a lot of men I've met have enjoyed it," she murmured, grinning. "You'd enjoy it too, J-man, if you'd just let me take charge…"

"The answer is no, toots," he snapped. "I ain't gonna work for you. I ain't gonna be anybody's henchguy."

"Is that what she wants?" asked Two-Face. "For you to be her Harley?"

"Why not? He's almost as pathetic as she is," said Sparrow, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

"You take that back!" demanded Joker. "Nobody's as pathetic as Harley! Also my doing, thank you very much! See, toots, _I _do the controlling, not the other way around!"

"Oh, you'd love it, J," she replied. "Don't tell me you haven't fantasized about being dominated by a strong, powerful woman. All men have."

"I haven't," snapped Joker. "And neither has Harvey! Have you, Harv?"

"I plead the Fifth," muttered Two-Face.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot you still hook up with the Weed Lady, whose greatest ambition is to castrate anything in pants, both figuratively and literally," said Joker, rolling his eyes.

"Sounds like we'd get along like a house on fire," said Sparrow. "Maybe I'll get her to work for me next."

Two-Face snorted. "Yeah, good luck getting Ivy and J to work together."

"Oh, I can be very persuasive," murmured Sparrow, smiling. "For instance, I think you'll want to leave the Joker and me to our business. Don't you, Mr. Half-Face?" she asked, pointing a gun at him.

"Seriously, where are you keeping these guns?" asked Joker.

Two-Face glared at her. "It's Two-Face," he growled.

"I don't care," she retorted.

He studied her, then cleared his throat. "Y'know, if things with J don't work out, I would certainly consider some kinda partnership with you, Miss Sparrow."

"And I know just what kinda partnership you have in mind, Harv," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "You oughta be ashamed of yourself, you sorry excuse for a man! You see what happens when you let a dame be in charge of things?" he asked, gesturing at Sparrow. "Eight successful criminal empires! What would the world be like with that kinda efficiency? No fun, let me tell you! You know what happened when Harley took charge once and tried to kill the Bat?"

"Yeah," said Two-Face, nodding. "She nearly succeeded."

"Exactly," snapped Joker. "Batsy would be dead now if women ran things. And think about what kinda horrible world that would be!"

Two-Face looked at him, and then turned back to Sparrow. "Call me," he muttered, tossing his card at her and heading out the door, leaving Joker and Sparrow alone.


	5. Chapter 5

"Alone at last," said Sparrow, smiling at Joker as she puffed on her cigarette and crossed her legs again, revealing them up the slit in her gown. "Want one?" she asked, reaching for her cigarette case inside her bosom and holding it out to him.

"Sure," said Joker, helping himself to a cigarette. Sparrow lit it for him, and he leaned back, studying her carefully.

"So what's this all about, toots?" he asked. "Why exactly do you want me to work for you? Is it just so you can get off on the power trip of dominating a guy?"

"Well, isn't that why you keep your little henchwench around?" asked Sparrow. "Because you get off on the power trip?"

"This ain't about me and Harley!" snapped Joker. "And she ain't a guy! And I don't keep her around! She's gone for good and she's never coming back! But this ain't about her! This is about what you want from me, and why!"

Sparrow blew out a cloud of smoke. "You're generally considered to be the best of all the criminals who fight Batman in this city," she said.

"Damn straight," agreed Joker, nodding and exhaling his cigarette.

"So I think the best way for me to get to the top of the crime racket in this town is to get the number one criminal to work under me," she continued. "It'll make me look good. Show everyone that I'm a no-nonsense kinda gal who doesn't kid around."

"My least favorite type of gal," retorted Joker. "So as tempted as I am by your generous offer, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass on it."

"It's not an offer," she replied. "You _are _going to work for me, or you _are _going to die. That's the only choice you have."

"Then I'll work for you over my dead body," retorted Joker, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "Now get outta my house."

She smiled. "I could just kill you now, but I like playing cat and mouse with guys before I destroy them. I enjoy watching them squirm."

She leaned forward, placing her hand on Joker's thigh and parting her lips inches from his, blowing smoke into his mouth. "We'd make a good team, y'know," she whispered. "In more ways than one…"

"I don't play henchguy, and I don't do partners," retorted Joker, grabbing her hand and placing it firmly back onto her knee. "And I don't respond well to attempts to seduce me."

"That's right – he don't," said a voice from the doorway. They turned to see Harley standing there, dressed in a long, black evening gown with a long slit up the leg. Her hair was piled up, and a red rose (obviously fake) adorned it. She wore a red cape and stiletto black heels, and clutched a cigarette holder in long, red gloves.

"Harley…what the hell is this?" demanded Joker.

"I'm here to prove to you that this Sparrow dame ain't the only woman in the world who can be tough and glamorous and sexy," retorted Harley, putting the cigarette holder to her lips and inhaling. She immediately started coughing, doubling over as she choked on the smoke.

"God, it's even more pathetic than I could have imagined," said Sparrow, laughing as she smiled cruelly at Harley. "So the little girl thinks she's a woman now, does she?"

"That's right!" snapped Harley, throwing her cape over her shoulders and hitting herself in the face. The cigarette dropped from the holder and Harley stared at it, and then shouted, "Red! I need another smoke!"

"Cigarettes aren't cheap, y'know, Harley!" shouted Poison Ivy from outside.

"I don't care how much they cost – I'm an effortlessly classy and fashionable dame, and money is no object," retorted Harley, tossing her cape over her shoulders again and sneezing into it as the fur tickled her nose. "Just bring me another cigarette! See, blondie, I can get people to do things for me too," she said, glaring at Sparrow.

"Really? I don't see your friend," said Sparrow, smiling at her as she folded her arms across her chest.

Harley mimicked the action, glaring back. "Red!" she barked, after about thirty seconds. "Where are you?"

"I'll be there in a second, Harley!" snapped Ivy. "Just hold your horses!"

Sparrow laughed again. "Well, sweetie, you've done a terrible job at playing a real woman," she said. "Maybe that's the reason J kicked you out after all. He's sick of little girls and wants real women now."

"You take that back!" snapped Harley, striding toward her. "Mr. J wants…"

She tripped in her stilettos, falling flat on her face on the floor. Sparrow cackled with laughter, standing up and stepping over her. "I'll see you soon, J," she said, turning back to grin at him and exhaling a puff of smoke in his direction.

She shut the door, and Harley sat up slowly, rubbing her forehead with tears in her eyes. Joker just looked at her, and then held out his hand. "C'mon, get up," he muttered. "You look ridiculous all dressed up like that."

"No, I don't!" she snapped. "I look glamorous and sexy, just like the Sparrow!"

"You're a few cup sizes too small to be the Sparrow," he said, nodding at her chest. "Even despite the padded bra."

"I'd hoped you wouldn't notice that," she muttered, blushing. "I can get a boob job if you wanna…"

"No, I don't," interrupted Joker. "You can tell fakes from the real deal, and the former are no fun. Just ask the Sparrow," he said, nodding after her.

Tears rose in Harley's eyes. "I ain't…anything like her, am I?" she muttered. "Even all dolled up like this."

"No, you ain't," he agreed, sitting down on the floor next to her.

"I can't be glamorous and sexy," she murmured, tears running down her cheeks. "Because I ain't. I just ain't. And you'll never want me back, and it's all my fault!" she sobbed.

He just looked at her. "You stupid little baby," he murmured, reaching up to let her hair down. "Why do you think I'd want an uppity dame like that? You think a dame who tries to dominate me is the kinda dame I want?"

"No," she said, wiping her eyes. "Although you do occasionally like me to take charge in the bedroom, puddin'…"

"Yeah, don't spread that around," he snapped. "I just denied that to Sparrow."

"And she's just so strong and glamorous and sexy and…that's what men like," finished Harley.

"It ain't what _I _like," he retorted, stroking her hair back. "I don't want a strong, glamorous, sexy woman. I want my sweet, clumsy, goofy little clown girl to laugh at, when she trips on her heels and falls flat on her face. I love laughing at you, you dumb broad."

"Yeah?" she asked, hopefully. "You love that?"

"Uh huh," he said, kissing her tenderly. "You silly, pathetic, useless waste of space."

She squeaked happily, returning the kiss as he pressed her down on the floor.

"Got your cigarettes, Harl…" said Ivy, opening the door suddenly.

"Jesus, can't anybody learn to knock?!" snapped Joker, climbing off Harley suddenly.

"Thanks, Red, but I don't need 'em anymore," said Harley, sitting up and blushing. "Mr. J loves me just the way I am."

"I had to rob a convenience store for these, y'know!" snapped Ivy, throwing them down at her feet. "And lots of my babies had to die to make them! The least you can do is smoke them, for me!"

"I'll smoke 'em for you, Pammie!" chuckled Joker. "Did you run into your evil twin on the way out?"

"Don't compare the Sparrow to me," snapped Ivy. "I don't have any romantic interest in you, J."

"Neither does she, not really," replied Joker. "Dominating and humiliating guys gets her off, but she mostly wants to use me as a quick way to get to the top of the food chain in this town. I tell ya, I hate domineering women."

"Are you saying you feel threatened by them?" asked Ivy.

"I'm saying I don't like them," repeated Joker. "Order of dominance, it goes, man, woman, child, dog, cat, rat, and bat. And then Crane, Tetch, and Nygma. Women need to stay in their place underneath men. I don't like it when they get all uppity and above themselves – throws the natural order off."

Ivy glared at him. "God, you're a sexist bastard," she snapped. "And this Sparrow seems like just the sort of woman I should admire – she's clearly smart and assertive. It's a shame I'm not allowed to like her, for Harley's sake."

"You wouldn't anyway," retorted Joker. "Nothing you feminist types hate more than other strong women. You're a lot better than men at tearing each other down."

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," retorted Ivy.

"Y'know, Harvey seemed pretty interested in her when he was over here earlier," said Joker, casually.

Ivy said nothing, but a murderous glare flashed into her eyes. "She'd better keep her hands offa him," she muttered. "Bitch."

"Yeah, he gave her his card and everything," said Joker. "Asked her to call him so they could look into some kinda partnership."

Ivy nodded calmly, and then suddenly turned to leave. "Just gonna go see Harvey on an unrelated matter. Excuse me."

Joker chuckled as she slammed the door. "She's too easy," he said, smiling at Harley. "Now where were we?" he asked, pushing her down on the floor.


	6. Chapter 6

They were cuddled together in bed later that night, Harley burrowed firmly into the Joker's embrace, snuggling against his body and listening to the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat. He stirred. "Anybody ever tell you you're like a boa constrictor?" he muttered. "Or a leech? Some kinda latching, clinging, suffocating creature anyway."

She grinned. "It's just cause I love you, puddin'," she whispered.

He grunted. "Worse than a boa constrictor," he muttered. "At least they do it outta instinct, and the need to survive. And at least they let go after their prey is dead. You'll never let go of me, will ya, Harley?" he asked, squeezing her hand.

"Nah uh," she murmured. "Gonna suffocate you forever, puddin'."

He chuckled. "That's what I like to hear, you bloodthirsty little minx," he muttered, kissing her nose. "Go to sleep now."

She drifted off with a smile on her face, and was shaken firmly awake a few hours later.

"Ok, you have to let go of me now," he said. "I ain't dragging you along to the toilet."

She grinned, releasing him. "Don't be too long," she yawned as he sat up, throwing on his bathrobe. "I miss suffocating you already."

"I'm gonna relish my freedom to breathe, and you ain't gonna stop me," he muttered, heading for the bathroom.

She giggled to herself, hugging her pillow until he came back. And then she waited. And waited, and then waited some more. Finally she sat up, calling, "Mr. J?"

There was no response. "Mr. J?" she repeated. "Is this you relishing your freedom to breathe?"

He still didn't respond, and Harley climbed out of bed, heading over the bathroom. She knocked on the door. "Mr. J?" she repeated, growing more anxious and concerned. "Mr. J!"

She tried the door, but it was locked. She raced back to the bedroom, grabbing her hammer and beating it against the door until the lock broke and it gave way. She fell inside to reveal an empty room with the window open, the drapes fluttering in the night breeze. There were signs of a scuffle, since bottles had been broken and knocked over, but there was no sign of the Joker.

"Mr. J!" she shrieked out the window. She couldn't see anything in the darkness except a long, sleek black car driving off into the night. Harley knew who that car belonged to even before she saw the vanity plate that read _SPRROW_.

Harley didn't even bother to get dressed. She grabbed her hammer and leaped out of the window in just her babydoll nightie, racing into the road and jumping onto the roof of a passing vehicle. She leapt from car to car, trying to get as close as possible to the Sparrow's. Fortunately in Gotham traffic, that wasn't particularly difficult, since the streets were packed with cars at all hours of the day and night. She kept the vehicle in her line of sight until it pulled up in front of a pricey hotel. Harley jumped onto the roof, and then down to the hood of the parked car and smashed her hammer through the windscreen.

There were a few terrified-looking henchmen inside, but no sign of the Sparrow, or the Joker. Harley seized the driver by the collar, holding up her hammer.

"All right, tubby, talk!" she shrieked. "Where's Mr. J?"

"Sparrow took him in her car!" he cried. "We were just the lookout!"

"Where was she taking him?" she demanded.

"We dunno!" he cried. "She don't tell us her plans!"

Harley growled but released him. "Which one's her room?" she asked, nodding at the hotel.

"The penthouse – number 1948," he said.

She released him and then raced into the lobby of the hotel, amid shrieks and stares from the guests, and headed straight for the elevator.

"Number 1948, and step on it, buddy!" she shouted to the bellhop.

"Uh…miss…there is a minimum dress code for this building…" he began.

"Fine, I'll do it myself!" she snapped, knocking him unconscious with a blow from her hammer. The other people inside the elevator stared at her as she punched a button and waited impatiently for the doors to shut, tapping her hammer in her hand.

"What are you all looking at?!" she demanded.

"Nothing," said one man, hastily, as his girlfriend elbowed him in the stomach, glaring at him.

They all vacated the elevator at its next stop, leaving Harley alone. It arrived at the penthouse and Harley beat down the door with her hammer.

It fell inward, revealing a seemingly empty apartment. Harley looked around carefully, hammer raised for any sign of trouble.

She rounded the corner and came face-to-face with the Scarecrow. "Johnny!" she exclaimed, lowering the hammer. "What are you doing here?"

Crane gaped at her, arms, legs, and shoulders bare in her nightie. "I'm…sorry, what was the question?" he stammered.

"What are you doing here?" she repeated. "You can't want anything to do with this Sparrow woman, do ya?"

"Erm…no," he stammered. "Only she…visited me and told me to deliver several canisters of fear gas to her apartment," he said, gesturing to them. "She told me to wait with them until her henchmen came up to collect them."

"What does she want with your fear gas?" asked Harley.

"I don't know," he replied.

"Then why are you giving it to her?" she asked.

He bit his lip. "Look, it's very difficult to say no to her. She's not the kind of woman who accepts refusal, and she just ordered that I drop this off without letting me protest in the slightest. I had no choice…"

"Honestly, Johnny, she ain't that intimidating a dame!" snapped Harley. "Anyway, help me look around. She's got Mr. J, and I need to know where she's taken him."

Harley began rifling through some papers on her desk, and Crane helped her. "Seriously, I dunno what it is about this dame that makes men unable to say no to her, but I wish I had it!" muttered Harley. "I wish I could say to a guy, 'hey you, lie down on the ground and let me walk all over you, and then get on your knees and feed me caviar from a silver platter!'"

"Well…you could always try," said Crane, hopefully.

"Nah, I hate fish, so I don't really think I'd like fish eggs," replied Harley. She sighed, shoving the remaining papers away from her and looking around the room. Her eyes fell on the pictures hanging on the wall by the bed, and she squinted, approaching them. They were a series of pictures depicting Sparrow's last encounter with the Joker, and Harley could only imagine, with a twinge of jealousy, why she kept them by her bed. And then her eyes suddenly widened.

"Oh my God, I know what she's gonna do to him!" she shrieked. "I gotta save him!"

"Harley? What…" began Crane as she dashed out of the apartment. He turned to look at the pictures. "Oh, I see," he finished. "Well, it's no less than he deserves, really. Though I really think it seems more Two-Face's style than anyone else's, sawing a man in half…"


	7. Chapter 7

"Wakey, wakey, handsome," murmured a female voice, and the Joker slowly opened his eyes in confusion. It wasn't Harley's voice, and the moment he saw who the voice belonged to, his confusion turned to unbridled rage. And rage turned to bafflement and slight panic as he realized that he was in an abandoned sawmill, tied to a conveyer belt at the end of which was a circular saw.

"Thought I'd do it a bit differently this time," said Sparrow, grinning as she puffed a cloud of smoke at him. "Let you see the saw coming at you, so you can watch your whole body get cut in half, assuming you don't die from the shock of getting your genitals sawed through. I mean, I'm the kinda gal who enjoys pain, but I think even that would be too much for me."

"Oh, what the hell is your problem, lady?!" he demanded.

"My problem is that I don't like people who don't do what I want," she murmured. "I get very, very angry. And most people don't want to risk my anger. And when they do, like you, they find out why people don't want to risk that. No nonsense kinda gal, remember?"

Her smile fell as she dropped the cigarette to the ground, crushing it under her heel. And then she leaned forward, so that her face was inches from the Joker's. "So this is my final offer. Agree to work for me, or enjoy your last sixty seconds of life."

She snapped her fingers and a henchman pulled a switch, starting the conveyer belt heading into the saw. "Your time's running out, J-man," she purred. "Clock's ticking. Time to say those magic words: 'you've won, Sparrow – I will work for you.'"

"I'm not saying that!" he snapped. "I don't care what you do to me!"

"Are you trying to call my bluff?" she asked. "Because it's not gonna work. If you really wanna die, I'll be happy to see the back of you. Or more appropriately, the inside of you," she said with a sneering smile. "One less competitor in the crime game in this town. Not that you were ever much of a competitor," she said, lighting up another cigarette.

She blew smoke into his face. "Or do you think your precious Batman is gonna save you again?" she cooed.

"Y'know, he's never failed me yet," snapped Joker, struggling against the ropes that tied his hands behind his back. "And he's not gonna let a hard dame like you kill his best friend! But whether or not he'd let his best friend be horribly mutilated by a saw before he saves him is another matter entirely…" he said, glancing at the saw that was rapidly approaching. "He doesn't seem to have a problem with horrible mutilation – just death. Go figure."

"If I were you, I wouldn't criticize other people for not making sense," said Sparrow. "You waste all your time planning scheme after scheme in this dump of a city, only to be foiled by some idiot in a bat costume night after night. And the company you keep! I mean, I don't know why you didn't kill that useless little henchgirl of yours years ago! I don't even think that much of you, but even you could do better than that pathetic little girl."

"You think I should be going for someone like you?" he hissed, trying to inch away from the saw.

"Mmm, I could be a boss with benefits, y'know," she murmured. "Not that we'd ever have anything serious, because I don't see men as being worthy of commitment. They're mostly just there to be dominated by strong women. But I think using each other occasionally would suit you just fine, since you're not a serious kinda guy. And let's face it, a few seconds more on that saw, and you won't be able to do anything with a woman ever again, so if I were you, I'd take what you can get."

She grinned, her eyes alight as the saw came closer and closer to him. "Yep, in a few seconds, not even your pathetic little henchgirl would ever want you back…"

Sparrow was suddenly knocked in the side of the head, and the blow sent her slamming into the wall. "I'm his goddamn girlfriend!" hissed Harley, standing over her holding her hammer.

"Harley, stop this saw now or you're never having kids!" shouted Joker, still trying futilely to inch away from the roaring blade. Harley instantly turned her attention away from the Sparrow, flipping across the room and beating the henchman by the lever unconscious. Then she seized the lever, pulling on it and stopping both the conveyer belt and the saw. Then she raced over to the Joker.

"Are ya hurt, puddin'?" she gasped, hurrying to untie him.

"No, but the teeth of that saw were getting a little too close for comfort," he muttered. "Just like your teeth, you dumb…duck!"

"You ain't never called me a duck before, pudd…" began Harley, but she shrieked as Joker shoved her to the ground as a bullet whizzed over their heads.

Sparrow was struggling to her feet, brandishing a gun and looking furious. "You think you can go up against me, you pathetic little baby?!" she hissed at Harley. "I'm Gotham's Cleverest Criminal!"

"You ain't smarter than puddin'!" she snapped. "Nobody is!"

"Don't bait me, brat!" shrieked Sparrow.

"Why not?" she demanded. "I ain't afraid of you! And apparently I'm the only person in this goddamn town who ain't!"

"I'm not either," said Joker, grabbing Harley's hammer from her. "And it's times like these that I'm really happy I ain't one of those guys who've got a problem with hitting a woman."

Sparrow began firing at Harley, who flipped out of the way of the bullets as Joker charged her. "Boys! In here now!" shrieked Sparrow at her henchmen, dodging the hammer stroke from Joker.

Four henchmen rushed into the room. Two of them tried to seized Harley, but she leaped over their heads, causing them to run into each other. One Harley grabbed to hold in front of her as Sparrow fired at her again, hitting her own henchman in the kneecap. Another came at Joker, who slammed the hammer into his face shouting, "Lemme hammer this home for you, toots! I am never gonna work for you, no matter what! You got that?!" he demanded, raising the hammer again.

Sparrow was glaring at him, but forced an eerie smile. "Oh well," she sighed. "I gave you a chance, and you blew it. Now it's time for me to do the same."

She blew a puff of smoke into his face and he began coughing. Then she raced to the chute leading out to the water below, sliding down it to land in the millpond.

"Mark my words, Joker, you haven't seen the last of the Sparrow!" she shouted, before disappearing under the water with a splash.

Joker and Harley raced to look out at the pond, watching the ripples where the Sparrow had disappeared grow fainter and fainter. "She's gone, Mr. J," murmured Harley.

"Nah, she'll be back," he muttered, throwing down the hammer. "The only way anyone's ever gone for good in this town is if you kill them and see the body. And sometimes not even then. Sometimes it's Clayface or somebody's just pretending or God knows what."

He sighed. "Anyway, great timing on that rescue, sweets," he said, ruffling her hair. "Glad you got here when you did."

"Yeah, I only figured it out from the pictures in her hotel room," said Harley. "They had the name of this old mill on them."

Joker looked at her. "You've been to her hotel room?"

"Yeah," said Harley, nodding. "Johnny Crane was there too, waiting to give her some fear gas…"

"Fear gas?" repeated Joker. "Aw Christ, she's trying to show me up as a criminal again!"

He grabbed Harley's hand, racing toward the door. "C'mon! We gotta get back to that hotel before she can do anything with that fear gas! Call Johnny on the way and tell him to stall her. Genius like him should be able to manage that…"


	8. Chapter 8

"How on earth am I supposed to manage that?!" cried Crane down the phone.

"Tell him to use his masculine wiles!" chuckled Joker as they drove back toward central Gotham.

"Mr. J says to use your masculine wiles," said Harley down the phone.

"What in God's name does that mean?" demanded Crane.

"He wants to know what that means," said Harley to Joker.

"Here, gimme the phone – you take the wheel," snapped Joker, taking the phone from her. Harley leaned over his lap to steer while Joker spoke on the phone.

"I mean try to seduce her, Johnny. That should buy a lotta time since it'll take you a good, long while."

"I haven't the faintest idea how to go about doing that!" shouted Crane. "Anyway, what if she responded to it?! It would be the most terrifying thing in the universe, being advanced upon by that woman…"

"And you're the Master of Fear, right?" chuckled Joker. "So a seriously terrifying woman is just your type! Truck, Harley, are you blind and stupid, you dumb blonde?!" he shouted as Crane heard the car screeching to avoid something.

"Y'know, next time I'm just gonna let her saw the Big J off, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley.

"Yeah, good luck having your precious family then, toots!" he snapped.

"Joker, what if she responds to my advances?" Crane demanded. "What am I supposed to do then?"

"Don't worry, Craney! She won't!" chuckled Joker, and he hung up before Crane could protest further.

His phone suddenly rang again. It was Harley. He answered it hastily. "Hello?"

"Johnny, Mr. J's given me the phone back. Look, just do your best, for me, huh? I know you can do it."

"All…right, Harley," he stammered. "For you."

"Thanks, Johnny, you're the greatest! See you soon!"

She hung up again, and Crane was left alone with his terrified and confused thoughts. But not for long.

The Sparrow kicked open the door to her hotel room suddenly, fuming and dripping wet. She ripped the rose out of her hair and began letting it down, flinging off her gloves and cape. She began unzipping her dress when she heard a slight cough, and looked up to see Crane standing there.

"What the hell are you still doing here?!" she demanded.

Crane started back slightly at the murderous glare in her eyes. "Um…well…your henchmen never arrived…to pick up the fear gas…and I didn't feel comfortable just leaving it unattended…it's very precious stuff…"

"Fine, well, I'm here now, so beat it," she snapped.

"Yes, ma'am, of course," he said, desperately trying to get up the courage to stall her.

He cleared his throat again, thinking of Harley. "Um…I hope you don't mind my saying…that you're a very attractive young lady."

"What?" snapped Sparrow who had been glaring at her smeared makeup in the mirror and now turned to glare at him.

He stepped back again, and then regained his courage with thoughts of Harley. "I said…you're a very attractive young lady."

"Don't patronize me – I'm not a young lady," she snapped. "But I agree I am a very attractive woman."

"Yes, that's what I meant to say," he said, hastily. "Whichever label you consider to be a compliment, really…"

"I said don't patronize me!" she snapped. "Which means don't compliment me! That's just a game guys plays – saying one thing when they mean something else. Why don't you just tell me what you mean?"

"Er…well…what I mean is…I…am…attracted to…physically…er...blonde women in particular," he stammered. "Like Harley and…you."

Sparrow snorted. "What does anyone see in that worthless little brat?" she muttered.

"I'll thank you not to talk about her like that!" snapped Crane. "That is…erm…of course I respect your opinion, while respectfully disagreeing with it, and…er…anyway…I…uh…naturally find you a much more…desirable woman."

She smirked. "Yeah? You desire me, do you? Is that what you're trying to say?"

"Well…yes. I'm trying to say that…I would enjoy…um…the…er…pleasure of your company…in a physical way…that is…er…carnally…knowing you…in the Biblical sense…"

She gave a little snort of laughter, lighting up a cigarette. "You couldn't handle me, pal. I'd break you. Literally."

She studied him carefully, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "Still, I am feeling very frustrated after the Joker's escape," she muttered. "And I guess if you ask for it, I can't be held responsible for any permanent damage done. You might even enjoy it."

"Well…I'm not usually the type who just…jumps into bed with a woman," stammered Crane. "Why don't we…order dinner first or…something?"

"Nah, not hungry," she said, heading for her room. "You should help yourself to a drink, though. You're gonna need it."

She shut the door to her bedroom and Crane ripped out his phone, hastily dialing a number.

"Hello?" said Harley.

"Harley, where are you?" he whispered. "She's…she's accepted, but…I can't go through with this!"

He heard Harley relaying the information to the Joker. "Hey, way to go, Johnny!" chuckled Joker. "We'll slow down so you can enjoy your first time!"

"No, no, no, look, you have to come here now!" said Crane, hastily. "I can't go through with this! There's no possible way I can…perform with that woman! She's absolutely terrifying!"

"Yeah, and that should turn you on!" exclaimed Joker. "The same way clown stuff turns me and Harley on! That's our thing, and fear is your thing! So go get 'em, tiger!"

He hung up again, leaving Crane alone and terrified. But not for long.

"You coming to bed?" demanded Sparrow, opening the door to her bedroom wearing black leather with handcuffs on the belt, and trailing a whip along the ground, smoking her usual cigarette.

"Um…why don't we…learn a little about each other first?" stammered Crane. "Have a nice chat…I mean, what do we really know about each other, after all? People should have things in common before they…take the next step to a more…intimate relationship level…"

"I don't like chat," she retorted. "And I don't wanna know anything about you."

"But…I mean to say…do you even know my name?" he asked.

She puffed out a cloud of smoke. "Sweetie, when you're with me, your name is 'slave,'" she muttered. "And you're gonna call me 'mistress.' Those are all the names we need. Now get in here!" she snapped, cracking the whip.

Harley and Joker raced into the elevator, taking it up to room 1948. "I don't hear screaming – that's a good sign," said Harley, throwing open the door to the penthouse. "Hopefully we've got here in time…"

She kicked open the bedroom door, to reveal Crane being handcuffed to the headboard. "Thank God you've come!" he cried, gasping in relief.

"What the hell is this?!" demanded Sparrow, whirling around. "Come to join in the fun, have you, J-man? Well, you've blown your chance with me, I'm afraid."

"Oh, this is gonna be a lotta fun for me, but I'm betting not for you, toots," retorted Joker, raising the hammer. "I don't want you coming back to challenge me ever again. And so the only way to ensure you don't is to kill you personally."

She grinned. "Mmm, good luck with that," she murmured. She snapped her whip, twisting it around the hammer and ripping it out of his hands. Then she cracked the whip again, wrapping it around his throat and slamming him to the ground. She was on top of him in an instant. "Y'know, I've choked a few men to death with my thighs," she hissed, climbing on top of him. "It's a lotta fun. And I'm sure guys have thought that there are worse ways to go."

"Hey, if puddin's being choked to death by anyone's thighs, they're mine!" snapped Harley, rushing forward. Sparrow snapped her whip at Harley so that it wrapped itself around her ankles. Then she dragged her to the ground, pinning her down by the throat with one arm.

"Why don't you watch us?" she whispered, grinning. "I'd invite you to join in the fun, but this has been coming for a long time between J and me. Finally we're gonna see who comes out on top!" she hissed, crushing the Joker between her legs. Joker struggled against her, which seemed to get her more and more excited.

"Uhh…oh yeah…that's it, J!" she whispered.

Harley watched in horror, and then noticed that her hammer had fallen just out of reach. She strained to grab it, fingers aching. Sparrow was too engrossed in the moment to notice her squirming slightly out of her grip, and Harley seized the hammer at last, shrieking as she struck Sparrow a blow to the head with it, which made her release the Joker, knocking her to the ground.

Harley continued to beat her with it, until she was unconscious. She would have still continued to beat her, but the handle was seized from her by a tall, black figure, who had just entered the room.

"Do I even want to ask?" said Batman, looking around at Crane handcuffed to the bed, Harley and Joker wearing nothing but their underthings, and Sparrow dressed in leather lying next to them.

"Better…not," gasped Joker, trying to catch his breath. "The explanation is better…in your head, trust me, Batsy."

"I know her," said Batman, noticing Sparrow. "Gotham's Cleverest Criminal, right?"

"Let's not start that again," grumbled Joker, struggling to his feet.

"Puddin', are you ok?" asked Harley, unwrapping the whip from her ankles and rushing to see to him.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," he said, massaging his throat. "Boy, some dames just won't take no for an answer!"

"She's going back to prison," said Batman, handcuffing Sparrow. "And you three are coming back to Arkham. They've repaired the hole in the wall, so it should be safe, for now."

"If you can promise it'll keep me away from that psycho dame, I'll go with you anywhere," said Joker, nodding. "Never thought I'd meet any gal crazier than Harley."

"She ain't crazier than me!" snapped Harley. "She's just a lot more pushy! And Mr. J may like crazy, but he don't like pushy! So get that through your thick skull, toots!" she shouted at Sparrow.

"Yeah, she's unconscious, Harley," muttered Joker.

"I did good, huh, puddin'?" she asked. "I saved you from her torturing you between her legs…"

"Ok, let's go," interrupted Batman hastily, pulling them out the door.

"Seriously, Bats, it's better in your head," said Joker. "And just where were you when I was on the sawmill, I'd like to know? You think a guy could be looking out for his bestest buddy in the world!"


	9. Chapter 9

"Tea will help with the trauma, Jonathan," assured Jervis Tetch, pouring his friend a cup of tea in the Arkham Rec Room. Crane took it, his hands shaking.

"Words just can't describe…the horror," he stammered. "She was just so…crazy! There was a glint in her eyes, Jervis, and you could tell she didn't care if I lived or died, as long as she had her fun! That's not a woman! That's some sort of…beast!"

"Johnny, there you are!" cried Harley, skipping into the room and hugging him. "I didn't get a chance to thank you for doing such a great job preoccupying Sparrow! Thanks to you, that horrible woman is behind bars and everything's ended ok for me and Mr. J! I just can't thank you enough!"

"It was…nothing, Harley," stammered Crane. "It may have put me off women forever, but it was nothing."

"Aw, that's ok, Johnny – Mr. J swears off women forever a lot, but he never means it," she said. "He just loves his precious Harley girl too much, doesn't he, puddin'?" she purred, leaping into his arms as he entered the room.

"Don't choke me!" he snapped, shoving her arms away. "Too soon!"

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', it's been a week!" said Harley. "Doncha think that's enough time to recover from what that horrible woman put you through?"

"Not for some of us," muttered Crane, his hands shaking as he sipped the tea.

"I'm just not in the mood, all right, Harley?" snapped Joker, sitting down on the sofa next to Poison Ivy, who was watching the news.

"You'd better avert your eyes, J – your friend's on TV," said Ivy, nodding at the screen.

The Sparrow stood there, surrounded by press, smoking her usual cigarette and smiling. "Miss Sparrow, is it true that all charges against you have been dropped?"

"Yes, that's right," she replied. "I have an excellent legal team who made the authorities see that any arrest at the hands of a vigilante in a bat costume is completely unlawful. So I'm a free woman now."

"And will you be staying in Gotham long?"

She puffed out a cloud of smoke. "My experience here hasn't made me very fond of this city – there are better opportunities elsewhere. I intend to go find them. But I do have a message for a dear friend of mine, if he's watching," she added, smiling at the camera. "Believe me, J, someday, when you least expect it, I'll be back."

"Well, that's just great!" snapped Joker. "Why Batsy didn't let you beat her skull in when you had the chance is beyond me, Harl! Now I have to live every waking moment paranoid that that nutzo dame is gonna try some crazy scheme to humiliate me!"

"In a way, she's won, hasn't she, J?" asked Ivy lightly, smiling. "I mean, making you live in fear of her – that's proving she's better than you, isn't it?"

"Listen to me, toots," snapped Joker, rounding on her. "No woman is better than me! No woman controls me, and no woman can make me do anything, you got that?!"

"Yeah, Red," agreed Harley. "Mr. J's his own man! He don't let any kinda dame control him in any way! He's too smart and powerful for that!" she cooed, ruffling his hair. "Who's my big, strong puddin'?"

"I said I ain't in the mood, Harley!" he snapped, shoving her away.

Harley sighed. "Ok, Mr. J, I understand," she murmured. "If you're really gonna let that horrible woman put you off living your life, and doing all the fun things we used to do together, I guess that's your decision."

"Damn straight it is!" he agreed.

"Still, it seems a shame to give her that kinda power," sighed Harley. "When that was kinda what she wanted. Seems like you kinda played into her hands, really, since she set out to control and humiliate you, and you're letting her do just that."

Joker said nothing, and then stood up. "Harley, meet me in the janitor's closet in five minutes!" he snapped. "I ain't gonna let no crazy, dominating dame put me off playtime! I ain't gonna let any woman control me like that!"

He stormed from the room, and Harley grinned. "See, Red?" she said. "Being a real powerful woman is letting the man have the illusion of control. He thinks he runs things, but you know the truth. Everybody's happy!"

And she skipped off toward the janitor's closet, whistling.

**The End**


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